My Story

My life changed in an instant one spring afternoon during my junior high years. My so-called friends from the neighborhood turned on me and raped me. I did not even understand what was going on. I was so frightened.... I thought I was having a bad dream and just wanted to wake up. I felt so alone. I had no one to talk to, and if I did, how could I even describe what had happened?! This was the first deep cut to my heart.

 I turned into a girl who did not even know herself. I found myself, making myself throw up because I could not take the images in my mind...

 

Next I know it is the summer before my ninth grade year, my dad starts coming in while I am changing, looking at me, and touching me... my heart breaks even more... I begin to wonder if this is normal?! Now that I was raped once does that give everyone the right to use me?! ... My dad horribly molested me all through high school.  He would come in almost every night. I had to make him happy, if I did not, I would pay. That payment was so great. He became so violent. I was no longer good enough for him. He used different objects on me to inflict pain. I felt so scared. I became different people. Each day I had to go back to school like I was ok, when inside I was screaming out. I just wanted someone to know, but I was too scared to even utter one word. I became so hopeless. I was so entrapped. I was so exhausted. I learned how to emotionally amputate myself. I remember praying to God to make this stop and crying where are you God?! 

Then my junior year, my heart shattered even more, my dad, whom I still loved, sold me to his friends. This played with my head so much. I was so angry that he would just sell me off to his friends for money. Is a screw all I am worth?! How could the one person who took everything away from me, sell me off?! This was too much pain for me to handle. I turned into a very angry person. I did what I had to survive. I began to party and drink to try to mask my pain. I wanted control in something! Throughout my last two years of high school, he sold me more and more. His violence became worse and worse, I would bleed for days.... he even through his violence took the life of my baby. I was so broken and alone. I wanted to just die. Finally the drinking and partying did not help anymore. My heart and all that I was, was so shattered and broken, that I was utterly hopeless. I thought there was no meaning to life. How could I ever live with this if I could not even cope with it anymore? I remember countless times dreaming of how I would kill myself, but something always stopped me...